Just So You Know

(The Vance Legacy begins in 1832 and Lillian is a slave. She is unable to read or write at this time. However, her diary is based on what she would have written if she had a diary and was able to read and write.)

Friday, March 9, 1832

I can sometimes still hear my Mama saying, “Lillian, never let them see you cry. Some of them is so evil that they take pleasure in our hurt and weakness.” Even as a child, I took that advice to heart and learned to hide my feelings. I was proud that no one knew what I was thinking or feeling. I learned to walk with my head held high and my face plain and unsmiling, but all of my reserve turned to dirt the moment Massa David came home with the woman.

It has been weeks now and I have tried with everything in me to keep my mind on serving the family and keeping the house as I always have. The whole time, I was willing my hands not to shake. Frustration, fear, or jealousy, I’m not sure why but something about this woman unnerved me. I tried not to even acknowledge her presence while at the same time I could feel her eyes watching my every move. Massa James watches to see if David’s new woman will change me in some way. Massa David watches me because he is remembering us together. I’m not sure why the white woman watches me, but she does.

That first night I stayed awake and waited for Massa David. I knew he would come to me. When the house was quiet and most everyone was asleep, he came.

While Bell snored loudly and Rebecca purred softly as they slept, David crept quietly into our room. I felt his presence before I actually saw him. He took long strides into the room and I rose to meet him, falling into his waiting arms. With no hesitation, his mouth covered mine and I moaned softly, reveling in the closeness of him. I had missed him so much and now he was here, holding me and loving me just as before he left. The kiss was long and passionate and left me breathless.

“I’m so happy you came home,” I whispered against his ear. He kissed me again and then pulled me out of the room and to the back of the house. His need was as great as my own and his passion was as hot as I remembered. When it was over, he went back to his woman and I crept back to my bed. I smiled into the darkness with knowing that he still loved me and the woman he brought home met nothing to him. I was his and he was mine, just as it had always been.

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